RELEVANT CHILDREN'S MINISTRY

Have you ever had someone get angry about something in your ministry?  Unless you just started leading 5 minutes ago, the answer is "yes."

No matter what you do or how well you lead, there will be times when someone gets upset.  There will be times when their anger has a legitimate basis and other times when it does not.  Whichever the case, the important thing is knowing how to help them calm down so you can resolve the matter.

Most people are not naturally good at this.  I know I'm not.  My natural reaction is for my emotions to escalate and to become defensive.  But the good news...helping someone calm down is a skill that can be learned.  Once you've mastered this skill, it will enable you to lead through escalated emotional situations with a plan rather than emotions.

Here's a simple plan that can help you calm down someone who is angry.  Memorize these steps and you''ll become a master at helping an angry person calm down.

Clarify their anger. 
The first step is to find out what the person is angry about.  Do this by simply asking them what they are the most upset about.

Acknowledge their anger.
Rehearse back to them what they said they are angry about.

Show empathy. 
First and foremost, the person wants to be heard.  Use words like "I understand why you're angry" or "I can tell you're upset."

Give the person respect. 
The person also wants to know that you respect their feelings.  Use words like " I appreciate you sharing with me why you're upset."

Offer support.
Show them you're there to help them with their concern.  This can be done with key phrases like, "I'm gong to help you with this" or "I want to help you resolve this quickly."

Bridge the gap and partner with them.
This is a critical step.  You want to move from "me" vs. "you" to "we."  Once you bridge the gap, you'll see their anger begin to dissipate.  Use key words like "Let's work on this together" or "We can figure this out together" or "Let's partner to resolve this."

These simple steps can be used to help someone calm down in any situation.   Try it the next time you're got an angry parent, volunteer or church member in your face.

Ever had a parent get upset at something in your children's ministry?

When it happens...and it will...what should you do?  If you're like me, the natural response is to get defensive or want to prove them wrong.  In my earlier years in ministry, that is what I did...and it rarely turned out well.

I have discovered that when a parent gets angry, the best thing you can do is ask questions.  This allows them to get their anger and frustration out in the open.  Asking questions like, "What are you most upset about?" and "Tell me what you are frustrated about" will help you get to the bottom of the issue.  The parent will also feel heard, which is the often what they are wanting.

This moves you from being defensive to being empathetic.  Remember, your goal is not "win" but to bring resolution.

If you'd like to get better at talking with upset parents, there are more tips at this link.

Listening to complaints is part of children's ministry.  If you get complaints...don't worry...you're not alone.  Everyone does.

The normal reaction to complaints is to get defensive, be enveloped by self pity, or even get angry.

Thoughts may include...

"How dare they complain.  Don't they know how much work it took to pull that off?"

"They're complaining and they don't even serve anywhere.  Why should I listen to them?"

"I can't believe they had the nerve to say that!"

"We do all this and they find the one thing we missed to complain about!  Can you believe that!"

"Let's see them organize an event like that and see how they do!"  

When you begin to feel those emotions, shift your thinking another direction and it will change the way you look at complaints.

Train yourself to think like this...

"I'm glad they had the courage to say what other people didn't have the courage to say."

"This is a gift.  I can take this and use it to make the ministry better."

"It's awesome I'm now able to see this from a different perspective."

Complaints...they will make you bitter or better.  It all depends on how you look at it.

Have you ever had a parent in your ministry get mad...I mean really mad?  Most of us have.  Sometimes it's unjustified and unfortunately sometimes it's for a good reason.

How you respond to an upset parent can make or break the relationship you have with the family.  Here's some practical steps from Harvard Business Review about being a good listener when someone is in "spew" mode.

Ask them what they are most frustrated about.  Then let them vent their feelings.  As they vent, listen for words that have a lot of emotion attached to them.  Words like "never" or "didn't" or "screwed up."  Listen for words they say with high inflection.

Ask them to explain more about what they mean by the word(s) that had a lot of emotion attached to them.  This will help them release their anger even more.

Then ask them what they are most angry about.  This continues to let them release their angry emotions.  During this time, you may feel your own emotions amping up, put don't give in to the urge to jump into a debate.  Listen without interrupting.  Let them have their say and get everything off their chest.

Next, ask them what they are really worried about.  After they have shared, ask them again to tell you more about their worry. This will allow you to get to the core of their emotional wound.

Finally, say, "Now I know why you are so frustrated, angry, and worried.  Since we can't turn time back, let's put our heads together and come up with a solution."

Just remember, when a parent gets upset, what you tell them is less important than what you enable them to tell you.  After they share their frustrations, angers, and worries, then you are ready to move into a healthy conversation and resolution.