RELEVANT CHILDREN'S MINISTRY

“There is no greater leadership challenge than parenting.”
Jim Rohn

Children’s ministry is no longer just about children. It’s just as much about their parents. If you want to make an impact in the lives of children, then you must influence their greatest influencers.

"No one has more influence in a child’s life than his or her parents."

It’s not easy being a parent. I heard someone say, “Before I was a parent, I had three theories about raising children, now I have three children and no theories.” If you’re a parent, I’m sure you can identify.  And if you have more than one child, you’re also a referee.

One mom said when her children become unruly, she has a nice, safe playpen. She said when her kids are finished, she comes out of the playpen.  If you’re a parent, you also know what it’s like to walk around your house and wonder how everything you touch is sticky.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s talk about leading parents well.  Your strategy to lead parents is just as important as your strategy to lead children. I have found that many parents want to be the spiritual leader for their children, they just don’t know where to start.

As children’s ministry leaders, we have an incredible opportunity to come alongside them as a resource provider, cheerleader and prayer partner. Let’s talk about how we can support and encourage parents in discipling their children.

UNDERSTAND THEM
  
There is a much different family dynamic today.  If you’re going to lead parents well in today’s culture, you need to know the unique dynamics of their families. Consider these recent findings about today's families.

There are nearly 13.6 million single parents raising over 21 million children.

61% of same-sex couples who live together are married.

65% of children live with married parents compared to 85% in 1968.

Over 18 million adults are cohabiting.

65% of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage
on at least one side, creating a blending family.

There are 2.7 million grandparents raising their grandchildren.

4% of adopted children are being raised by gay parents.

Born roughly between 1980 and 2000, the Millennials are the young couples you are trying to reach and involve in your church.  There are over 75 million Millennials in the United States.  They comprise 24% of the population.  And at the time of this writing, more than 17 million Millennial women are now mothers and that number is growing by more than a million every year.  In fact, 82% of children born each year are born to Millennials.
  
Technology is their mentor.  They go online for parenting advice.

Millennial Parents Invest in Their Children.

They are struggling financially.

Many don't claim to be religious. 

• 59% of Millennials who were raised in church have dropped out.

• Only 2 in 10 people under 30 believe attending a church is important or worthwhile (an all-time low).

• 35% of Millennials have an anti-church stance - even to the point that they believe the church does more harm than good.

• This obviously means Millennials are much more likely to not pass faith to their children. It’s hard to pass along something you don’t believe yourself. 

Include them in the planning of the church.  Why?  Because they are the future of the church.

Talk it and walk it.

Move from monologue to dialogue.

Help parents make church a priority.  

Equip parents with tools they can use to disciple their children.

Partner with parents in prayer. 

Recommend some age-appropriate devotionals for families. Give parents a list of good devotional books they can read with their child.

Get some good music on their smart phones.

Preferably some of them will be songs they sing at church.

Recommend some good apps they can use to learn God’s Word and review what they are being taught. 

These points are from my new book "Lead Well in Children's Ministry."  It contains over 30 years of wisdom from leading in children's ministry.

You can get the book now in both ebook and paperback formats.  You can order at this link.
 

Spiritual healthy parents are a big predictor of their child's spiritual health. 

Now this is not a blanket statement, but it is true in many, many cases. 

Yes, children must make their own decision to follow Jesus.  God doesn't have any grandchildren...only children. 

But parents normally play the biggest role in their child deciding to follow Jesus. 

We also know that many kids' view of God the Father comes from their view of their earthly father.  If their father has rules with no relationship, the child may grow up to view God as a distant Father who is ready to render wrath upon them when they sin. 

If the child's father walked out on the family, the child may be reluctant to trust God.

If the child's father is too busy to spend much time with him or her, the child may grow up to view God as someone who is too busy to listen to their prayers or get involved in their life.

If the child's relationship with their father was distant, they may grow up believing that God is distant and doesn't care about them.

I've often said, "We need more parenting ministries than we do children's ministries."  Parents are the biggest influence in a child's life.  This means if you want to influence children, you should begin trying to influence their parents. 

If you want to impact a child's life, then start by impacting the life of their biggest influence...their parents.  Seek to influence the influencers.

Praying parents raise praying children.

Tithing parents raise tithing children.

Faith sharing parents raise faith sharing children.

Parents who make church a priority raise kids who make church attendance a priority.

Bible reading parents raise Bible reading children.

We must also remember that while kids don't always do what we say, they never fail to imitate what we do.  You teach what you know, but you reproduce who you are. 

Mothers play just as an important role, or perhaps an even bigger role, in their child's spiritual health.  Couple of examples that come to mind.   Hannah influenced her son, Samuel, who became a great prophet of God.  Timothy was influenced by his mother and grandmother.  Throughout Scripture we see examples of parents influencing their children to follow God.

What if...just what if...we helped parents catch the vision of bringing up spiritually healthy children by first modeling spiritual health themselves?

What if we helped parents grow in their faith so they, in return, could help their children grow in their faith as well?

I'm afraid that many times, we get so busy trying to influence children's spiritual growth, that we neglect giving ourselves to the work of influencing parents' spiritual growth as well.  We get ourselves off the hook by saying "that's the adult ministries job."  And yes, it is part of their job, but I also know that you, as a children's ministry leader, can bring so much relevant material to the table.  So partner with adult ministries.  Work together to build some spiritual bridges for both children and their parents. 

Yes, there are exceptions.  There are children who grew up in terrible situations, but grew up to love God and do amazing things for Him.  But for most kids, as the spiritual health of their parents goes, so goes theirs as well.

I want to challenge you to sit down and begin to work through how you can invest in the spiritual health of the parents in your church.  And then out of that, the overflow will be children who are spiritually healthy.

Our children are watching us.  They are taking their cues from us as parents.  Oh, they won't admit it, especially if they are teenagers.  But don't be fooled.  They are watching their parents and following their lead. 

Be committed to helping parents lead well and help them set a solid foundation of spiritual health that their children and grandchildren will follow. 

A few months ago, I wrote about the impact sports is having on families.  It's one of the reasons families are not in church on Sunday.

In our culture, there used to be a day when Sunday was set aside as the Lord's day.  Games and other activities that pulled on families were scheduled on Saturday, but not on Sunday.

I'm all for sports and other activities that provide families with opportunities to spend time together.  I played Little League and football growing up.  But the games were held on a weekday or Saturday...not on Sunday.  Sunday was reserved for attending church.

Somewhere along the way, sports and other activities have gotten pushed over into Sunday.  Not all the time...but a lot of the time.  Enough that it can take kids and families away from church for weeks, and even months at a time, if they are on a "traveling team."

Parents are also busier than ever with their work and other activities.  In many cases, they may have to work on Saturday and when Sunday rolls around, they are exhausted and may choose to sleep in, do a family outing or watch online.

You can also see this reflected in families' attendance patterns.  Past expectations were to be in church 4 Sundays each month or at least 3 out of 4 Sundays.  Now the average family is in church 2 out of 4 weeks or even 1 out of 4 weeks.

Where is this taking us?  The truth is, if a child only gets 25% to 50% of the lessons at church, they are going to have a very shallow faith foundation.  I know they are supposed to be discipled at home first and foremost, but I believe the same attendance patterns for parents, leaves them ill-equipped to disciple their children.

You can't pass on what you don't have yourself.  It's hard to make the case for weekly attendance at church when you set a different example for your children.

I am reminded of this quote...

"I can't hear what you are saying, because your actions are speaking so loudly."

As a parent, it's hard to make the case for faithful church attendance, when your actions are saying otherwise.

We can be sure...kids are watching...they are picking up on what our priorities are...they are realizing what is important to us. 

Spiritually shallow parents raise spiritually shadow kids. 

If you're reading this as a children's ministry leader and feel discouraged...don't.  We have a great opportunity to make a difference in families' lives in these areas.

The starting point is to invest in and equip parents, so they can recognize what is really important when it comes to raising children.

Sports are important.   Academics are important.   Social interaction is important.  Financial security is important.

But nothing is more important than putting God in first place in your family.  When that happens, Sunday becomes a core part of who you are as a Christ-follower.  There is no question about attending church when Sunday rolls around.  It's who we are....part of the family of God.  It's what we do...honor God by meeting with other believers to worship Him.

I often quote the saying, "In the race to a child's heart, the first one there wins."

It's a great truth...but I think we should add another quote.

"In the race to a parent's heart, the first one there wins."

If we can effectively connect and disciple parents in their early days of parenting, we can help them establish a spiritual foundation for their kids and family.

One important time you can seize to do this is when families have a newborn.  You can get there first and pour into them, as they prepare to dedicate their baby to the Lord.  It is crucial that we have a class parents go through before they dedicate their child and themselves.

That's the reason we created the Parent & Child Dedication class.  It not only helps parents understand what the dedication is and is not, but it also shows parents how to establish the right priorities and equips them to lead their children spiritually.  Many churches are using this to impact young parents.  You can get more info. here about this resource. 

That's just one of the key times when you can help parents establish their priorities.  There are several other key times when you can influence parents.  You can get more info. at this link.

I want to challenge you to make influencing parents one of your top ministry goals.  When we do this, we can see families shift their focus back to what is most important.

Your turn.  How do you help families keep their priorities in order?  How can we do a better job of influencing parents?  Share your thoughts and inside with us in the comment section below.

Need some help parenting?  If you have an Amazon Echo with Alexa, the digital voice assistant, you may be in luck.

There's a new "Magic Word" function that you can turn on which will tell kids to use the word "please" when they ask for something.  The function can also be used to reinforce positive behavior.

Amazon has also introduced children's content for the Echo that includes 300 audio books for kids, as well as skills designed for kids by Nickelodeon, Disney and National Geographic.

Need help getting the kids out of bed?  Digital parent to the rescue.

Need kids to be reminded to study for a test?  Digital parent to the rescue.

Want to teach your child how to be polite?  Digital parent to the rescue.

Want to see your child improve in their history lessons?  Digital parent to the rescue.

Need someone to read a bedtime story to your child?  Digital parent to the rescue.

Want to monitor what your child is watching and listening to?  Digital parent to the rescue. 

The truth is no app, computer, digitally generated voice or "futuristic robot" can take the place of a parent. 

God has placed the guidance, training, spiritual formation and molding of children in the hands of their parents.

I often remind parents of this truth:  No one has more influence in the life of a child than his or her parents. 

Parents are told this in God's Word.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4

Parents are to...

Treat their children right (do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them).

Train their children (bring them up with the discipline).

Teach their children (bring them up with the instruction).

One of the most important things we can do is equip parents to raise their children to love Jesus.  When we influence the greatest influencers (parents), we can then truly influence their children through them.

This means we should teach parents how to treat their children right.  Most parents, by default, parent the way they were parented....bad parenting traits included.  Provide parents with the tools and resources they need to identify bad parenting habits they want to correct.  Show parents how they can build a great relationship with their child.

We should also teach parents how to train their children.  This includes how to discipline, how to train their kids to make wise decisions, how to manage money, etc.

And we should equip parents with the Biblical knowledge they need to teach their children the ways of God.  Giving them the understanding they need to pass on a Christian worldview to their children.

Do these 3 things and you will set parents up for success as they guide their children.

Let me ask you a question.  Do you have a plan in place to equip parents?  Do you have a strategy to influence them?

Here are some articles that can help you develop and implement a strategy to influence the parents in your ministry.

Helping parents prepare their children for the transition from elementary to middle school.

Helping parents see the importance of consistent church attendance.

Helping parents teach their children about managing money.

Equipping parents to lead their children to faith in Christ.

Equipping parents to raise their children to follow Jesus for a lifetime.

Anyone who says parenting is easy has never been one.  Parents are looking for help.  That's one reason many of them are excited about something as simple as a digital voice that will help them teach their children to say "please."

God has placed you in a unique position as a ministry leader.  You can be a voice speaking into the lives of parents, helping them step up to be the parent God is calling them to be.

There's a new toy being developed that is designed to teach kids about being transgender.

The toy is called Sam.  It's made up of a series of stacking dolls (like Russian nesting dolls.)  It's being called the "world's first educational transgender toy."
 
The developers say there are very few tools available for parents or teachers to talk with children about being transgender.

They say the toy will "help children empathize with the emotional challenges of being born transgender."  Each layer of the toy is supposed to represent a stage of being transgender.  The layers show the key stages transgender people experience in terms of identity - from questioning to exploration to isolation.  The final piece is a heart which is supposed to reflect the idea that the person's appearances may change, but who they are on the inside stays the same.

The developers are hoping the toy will help start conversations about gender diversity with all children and foster more acceptance and understanding.  They are hoping to release the doll in June 2018.

It has been interesting to see how quickly the transgender agenda has advanced.  Whereas the gay agenda has taken decades to gain substantial traction and approval, the transgender agenda seems to have rapidly gained this ground.  This may be because it is built on the foundation that the gay agenda has established over the years.

This toy development leaves little doubt that children, from an early age, are being targeted for transgender indoctrination.

For those of us who believe in the Biblical teaching of male and female identities, transgender issues can be difficult to navigate.  Especially when it comes to helping kids gain a Biblical worldview about it.

I've often said we must not be hesitant about having these conversations with our children.  We must help them work through these cultural issues and find Biblical answers while their worldview is still being shaped.  We must help them find the right answers to the questions.  If we don't, they may have no answers when they face these questions later and be given the wrong answers by someone else.

Let me clarify that I believe it is the responsibility of parents to have these conversations with children.  As children's ministry leaders, our role is to equip parents with the tools they need to have these conversations.  Rather than directly influencing children in this sensitive area, we are to influence children's primary influencers...their parents.  Later, as children move into their teenage years, I believe student ministries can take a more direct role in talking about these issues with teenagers.

If you are a parent reading this and are looking for a balanced approach to talking with your children about transgender issues or if you are a children's ministry leader who is looking for tools to place into parents' hands, then I would encourage you to read this article I wrote a few months ago.  Below is the link to the article.

Transgender Children...A Christian Leader's Response

Here is a video that the developers created to promote the upcoming transgender toy.  As you watch this, think about the tremendous responsibility God has given us as parents and leaders to help children understand what the Bible says about gender identity and see them walk in the truth of His Word.


Your thoughts, opinions and insight are welcome in the comment section below.

I believe nursery ministry makes a huge difference in a church.  And I believe it provides the greatest opportunity to impact children.  There is no other time frame that has so much potential to lay a spiritual foundation in a person's life.

Babies' brains can form over 1,000 neural connections every second.  And these connections are the building blocks of their future.  Children who are read to from the Bible, talked to about God, sung worship songs to and given personal attention in the nursery will have better cognitive capacity and a better opportunity to grow up to follow Jesus.

And nursery ministry leaders that really want to influence and impact children in a significant way, will not only focus on the time they have with the children at church, but will also focus on influencing their parents.  Why?  Parents are the biggest influencers of their children.  A baby's spiritual foundation is most affected by their day-to-day experiences at home.  Coming alongside parents and giving them the tools, resources and knowledge they need to spiritually lead their children at home is a must. 

Please...please...please...make nursery ministry a priority at your church.  The youngest members of the next generation must have your spiritual influence now.

Here are some more practical ways your nursery ministry can impact babies and their parents.

How Nursery Volunteers Can Make a Huge Difference in Children's Lives

Nursery Volunteers...Don't Underestimate the Big Impact You Have 

Top 10 Nursery Tips

A Simple Tool for Partnering with Preschool Parents

How Parents Affect Their Children's Faith (the latest findings)

The biggest influence in a child's life is his or her parents.  And this includes spiritual influence as well.  Whether positive or negative, parents by their words and actions, heavily weigh in on the trajectory of their child's spiritual life.

That being said, it's important to be aware of how today's parents are affecting their child's faith.  Pew Research, a secular organization, recently released a report about this very subject.  Let's take a look at it together.

First of all, let's establish who Millennial parents are.  They are young adults who are currently 18 to 35 years old.  They are the young adults who are parenting babies, preschoolers and elementary kids.  

• 27% of Millennial parents were raised with a mixed religious household. 
• 24% of Millennial parents were raised by at least one parent who was a religious "none" (a "none" is some who is not associated with any religion).
• 15% of Millennial parents were raised by at least one parent who was religious and one who was a "none." 
• 6% of Millennial parents were raised by households where both parents were nones.
• 3% of Millennial parents were raised by a single parent who was a none.
• Only 24% of Millennial parents were raised by two Protestant parents. This is compared to 48% of previous generations who were raised by two Protestant parents.

So how does this affect children's faith?  You can see the results in the faith of the Millennial parents who were raised in these households.

• 62% of Millennials, who were raised by a single parent who was a none, now identify as nones.
• 38% of Millennials, who were raised by one parent who was religious and one who was not, now identify as nones. 
• 26% of Millennials, who were raised by one Protestant and one Catholic parent, now identify as nones.
• 20% of Millennials, who were raised by two Catholic parents, now identify as a none. 
• 14% of Millennials, who were raised by two Protestant parents, now identify as a none.
• 25% of Millennials say their spouse does not share their religion.

• 40% of those raised in households where both parents shared the same religion, say their mother was far more responsible for their religious upbringing than their father.
• 46% of those raised by parents who had different religions, say their mother was the biggest influence on their faith.
• 63% of those raised by one parent who was religious and one who was a none, say their mother was mainly responsible for their religious upbringing.
  

What spiritual influence are Millennial parents bringing to their today's children?

• 75% of parents married to spouses of the same religion say they pray or read Scripture with their children.
• 70% of parents married to spouses of the same religion say they send their children to religious education programs such as Sunday School. 
• 82% of households where one parent is religious and the other is a none, say their child is being raised in a religion.

Are parents passing their faith on to their children?

• Among those who say they were raised exclusively by Protestants, roughly 80% now identify with Protestantism, including 80% of those raised by two Protestant parents and 75% of those raised by a single parent who was Protestant. 
• Among those raised by one Protestant and one religious “none,” 56% now identify with Protestantism, while 34% are religiously unaffiliated.
• Those who were raised by a Protestant and a Catholic, are divided among those who now identify with Protestantism (38%), Catholicism (29%) and no religion (26%). 

What about single parents passing on their faith?

• 65% of parents attend worship service with their children at least a few times a year. 
• 83% of evangelical parents are taking their children to church.
• 78% of Catholic parents are taking their children to church.
• 67% of mainline Protestant parents are taking their children to church. 
• 69% of parents, who are nones, say they seldom or never take their children to church.

There is a faith crisis happening in America.  Half of Americans who have left their church say they no longer believe in God.  And 25% of the nation now has no affiliation with any religion.

These stats from a recent survey from Pew Research demonstrate a growing trend.  More and more kids are walking away from church when they grow up and many are giving up on God completely.  78% of nones (those who associate with no religion) were raised as a member of a religious group before walking away from it in adulthood. 

Why is this happening?  Let's dive into 4 big reasons and think about how we can reverse this trend.  

REASON #1 - A SHALLOW FAITH FOUNDATION
Almost half of kids who grew up to walk away from their faith indicate a lack of belief.  To begin with, many of them never had a true conversion experience because no one took the time to explain to them what it really means to follow Jesus.  We talked about this in a recent post.

The church also hasn't made it a priority to teach kids why we believe what we believe.  This includes grappling with the hard questions like, "Why does God allow suffering?" and "Would a good God really send people to hell?" and "Why do we believe in creation?" and other questions like this.

This leaves kids facing the hard questions with no Biblical answers.  And then secular humanism fills the void with the wrong answers.  With no foundation, kids are pulled in.  Many state they walked away from their faith when they learned about evolution or weren't presented with any scientific or specific evidence for a creator.  Here's how one college student put it - "I’m a scientist now, and I don’t believe in miracles.”

If we are going to reverse this trend, the church must help kids have a thorough understanding of what it means to follow Jesus.  No more large group, quick, repeat after me, salvation prayers.  We must take the time to help kids have a clear understanding of the Gospel and the commitment they are making.  I talk more about this here.

Secondly, the church must teach kids why we believe what we believe.  Simply put...we must teach them apologetics and help them grapple through the hard questions.  Instead of waiting for them to face the hard questions in a college classroom where they will get the wrong answers, we must bring the hard questions now and help them discover the right answers.

REASON #2 - DISILLUSIONMENT WITH THE CHURCH
20% of kids who walk away say it is because they are disillusioned with the church.  They say the church has become focused on power, politics and money.  They see organized religious groups as more divisive than uniting.

Dead churches produce dead fruit.  Churches that have an inward focus, churches that are more concerned about arguing about the color of the carpet than reaching the lost around them, churches that are bent on preserving the past rather than reaching the next generation, produce kids who want nothing to do with it.  And can you blame them?   

If the church wants to see the next generation on fire for God, then the church must give the next generation something worth giving their lives to.  Churches that are passionate about the Gospel will produce kids who are passionate about the Gospel.  The church must catch on fire with the Holy Spirit if it's going to keep the next generation.  The church must be united behind the vision of reaching the world for Christ.  That unity is birthed in love...a love that kids won't walk away from.

REASON #3 -  WRONG PRIORITIES OF PARENTS
A significant percentage of kids who walked away said it was because they are too busy.  In other words, church is not a priority for them.  When something is important, you make time for it.

Where and when did their priorities get out of order?  For many of them, it was modeled for them by their parents.  Church was something you did if there was nothing else on the calendar.  It was ranked on the list behind sports, leisure and entertainment.  Traveling sports teams took priority and caused many of them to miss church for months at a time.  "Faithfully" attending church looked like once a month and if you were really dedicated, twice a month.

And during the week there was no time for Bible study and prayer.  A hectic schedule left no time for this.  It was rush to this practice and go to this party and be at this game and watch this TV show.  Little to no faith was taught or modeled at the greatest point of influence...the home.  

We must make influencing and equipping parents our top priority.  If we are going to influence the next generation and reverse the trend, then we must influence the biggest influencers...the parents.  I talk more about this here.

REASON #4 - PROLIFERATION OF POSTMODERNISM
Many who have walked away say its due to the church's stand on absolute truth.  Absolute truth is in direct conflict with the postmodern culture in which they are growing up.  Postmodernism says there is no absolute truth.  What is right for you is right and what is right for me is right.  It's mantra is tolerance, inclusiveness and approval of all lifestyles and beliefs...even those that are in direct opposition to the Word of God.  Take a stand for Biblical truth and you are labeled narrow-minded...intolerant...a bigot.

The church hasn't helped.  In many cases we've spoken the truth...but we forgot to speak the truth in love.  We've become more known for what we are against than for what we are for.

The church cannot change what God's Word about truth...but we can change the attitude with which we proclaim it.  We must learn to more effectively balance acceptance and approval.  While we cannot approve of sin, we can accept people where they are and love them to Jesus.  It's the Holy Spirit's job to clean people up...not ours.

Yes, postmodernism will continue to try to dim the light of truth.  But what an unparalleled opportunity we have to light up the darkness with the truth of God's Word.  And it is the love of God that enables people to see the truth shining in the darkness.  As we light up the night, the next generation will be drawn to it.