RELEVANT CHILDREN'S MINISTRY

People don't like to be told "no."  I don't.  You don't either, do you?  Especially in a customer service situation. 

Hearing "no" can be frustrating, aggravating and even upsetting for a family.  And if you don't say it in the right way, it can significantly damage the relationship you have or want to have with the family.

No matter how good your guest services team is, there will be times when you simply cannot (or should not) meet a request. 

Here's an example.  A new family forgets their pick-up tag.  They ask if you can release the child to them without it because they are in a hurry.  If you're going to stay true to your safety and security guidelines, you have to say "no" and follow the established procedure for a missing tag.

And even though it's not your fault, once it happens, the ball is in your court.  How you communicate the "no" may determine if your relationship with them is preserved or not.  Properly saying "no" is a skill that can be learned.  Here are some tips to help you say "no" and still leave families smiling.

Remember that families care as much or more about how you treat them as they do about the outcome of the request.  When "no" is involved, emotions normally start running high.  It is critical you see the people, not just the issue.  When they see you truly care about them and you treat them with respect, they will remember that above hearing "no."  Be more concerned about reconciliation of the relationship than you are about resolution of the issue.  First and foremost, people will remember how you made them feel.

Explain the reason behind the no.  Families are generally more receptive of a "no" when they understand the reason behind it.  When you don't take time to explain the reason, you can come across as insensitive or hiding behind a policy - which can further escalate the situation and make the family even angrier.

Comp them in some way.  Don't just say, "those are the rules" or "that's our policy" and leave it at that.  Offer them some type of recompense and turn the negative into a win.  For example - your rooms are at capacity and you have to turn away a family that wants to check in their preschooler.  Comp them with free coffee or refreshments in the parent room or overflow space.

Thank the family for working with you to resolve the issue.  Let them know you appreciate their patience and understanding.  This once again helps the family feel valued. 

Your turn.  The floor is yours.  How do you say "no" to a request without losing the relationship?  Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below.

Have you ever had someone get angry about something in your ministry?  Unless you just started leading 5 minutes ago, the answer is "yes."

No matter what you do or how well you lead, there will be times when someone gets upset.  There will be times when their anger has a legitimate basis and other times when it does not.  Whichever the case, the important thing is knowing how to help them calm down so you can resolve the matter.

Most people are not naturally good at this.  I know I'm not.  My natural reaction is for my emotions to escalate and to become defensive.  But the good news...helping someone calm down is a skill that can be learned.  Once you've mastered this skill, it will enable you to lead through escalated emotional situations with a plan rather than emotions.

Here's a simple plan that can help you calm down someone who is angry.  Memorize these steps and you''ll become a master at helping an angry person calm down.

Clarify their anger. 
The first step is to find out what the person is angry about.  Do this by simply asking them what they are the most upset about.

Acknowledge their anger.
Rehearse back to them what they said they are angry about.

Show empathy. 
First and foremost, the person wants to be heard.  Use words like "I understand why you're angry" or "I can tell you're upset."

Give the person respect. 
The person also wants to know that you respect their feelings.  Use words like " I appreciate you sharing with me why you're upset."

Offer support.
Show them you're there to help them with their concern.  This can be done with key phrases like, "I'm gong to help you with this" or "I want to help you resolve this quickly."

Bridge the gap and partner with them.
This is a critical step.  You want to move from "me" vs. "you" to "we."  Once you bridge the gap, you'll see their anger begin to dissipate.  Use key words like "Let's work on this together" or "We can figure this out together" or "Let's partner to resolve this."

These simple steps can be used to help someone calm down in any situation.   Try it the next time you're got an angry parent, volunteer or church member in your face.

Do people respect you as a leader?  If you're counting on a title to bring you respect, you will be sadly disappointed.  While a title may bring you a little respect, it is the lowest form of respect.

You see, respect is earned.  It's not about a title.  When people respect you only because of the authority of your title, they will give you minimum effort.

So how do you earn respect?  Here's some tested and proven ways to earn the respect of those you have been asked to lead and influence.

Be passionate about the mission of the ministry.  People are drawn to passionate people.  Be a thermostat instead of a thermometer.  Set the tone for the ministry through a passionate commitment to the mission.  And not only talk the mission...live it out.  If you talk about inviting new people to join the team, be the first one out there asking people to join.  Passion is lighting up the ministry mission through your actions.

Be relational.  When people know you care about them, they will respect you.  True respect is earned up close and personal...not from a distance. 

Be honest about what you don't know.  That may sound counter-productive, but it's not.  When you are open about what you don't know and ask people to help you in those areas, they will respect you.  You don't have to know it all to gain respect...you simply have to know when to ask for help.

Be a team player.  Collaborators earn respect.  Plain and simple. 

Be quick to give credit to others.  How does a great coach gain respect?  By helping his players develop and shine.  You will gain respect not by putting yourself in the spotlight, but by putting others in the spotlight.  Your respect will be earned by helping others succeed. 

Your turn.  What are some other ways to gain respect as a leader?  Share with us in the comment section below.

You've heard the statement...leadership is influence.

It's true and that means if you want to become a better leader for your volunteers, you've got to increase your influence with them.

Here's 7 keys to raising your level of influence with your volunteers.

1. Talk less and listen more.  That might sound counterproductive...after all...don't influencers have all the answers?

Actually no.  Great influencers are great listeners.  They ask great questions and find great answers.  If you really want to influence volunteers, then listen...really listen to them.  When volunteers know you value their ideas and input, you will gain influence with them.

2. Praise often and criticize rarely.  You won't gain influence with your volunteers if you are constantly criticizing them.  People don't follow criticism.  They follow encouragement and positive feedback.

3. Be a giver instead of a taker.  The motive behind godly influence is not selfish gain.  It's to help others.  Generosity leads to influence. 

4. Be positive instead of negative.  Negative people can be influencers...but they influence volunteers in the wrong direction.  If you want to influence volunteers in the right direction, then be a positive person.

5. Be quick to take blame and slow to take credit.  This is another one that might sound counterproductive...but it's not.  When you admit your mistakes instead of hiding them or shifting the blame, you will gain the respect of your volunteers...and respect leads to influence.  And when you empower your volunteers and give them the credit for wins, you also gain influence.  Empowerment leads to influence.

6. Keep your word.  Integrity leads to influence.  Follow through when you tell your volunteers you are going to do something.  They notice. 

7.  Care...really care about your volunteers.  When your volunteers know you really care about them, it opens their hearts to your influence. 

Do you want to effectively talk with kids?  Here's 5 keys that can make you a pro.

Use their name.
The sweetest sound to anyone's ears is their name.  Make sure you use kids' names when you are talking with them.  That can be a challenge if you have a class of 20 kids.  If you have a hard time remembering names, then make sure the kids wear name tags.

But that should be a short term fix.  The goal is to know their names.  I have a friend who can hear someone's name one time and then remember it months later.  I asked him how he did it.  He said when he hears the person's name for the first time, he says it in his head 10 times over.  Once he does that, he's got it.

Another idea for remembering names is to repeat their name back to them several times when you first meet them.  An example would be a new kid named Jaques.  When you are introduced to him, respond by saying something like, "Hey Jaques, we're so glad you're here.  Jaques how old are you?  Jaques what grade are you in?" etc.

One other idea for remembering names is word association.  Perhaps the child's name is Rosalyn and you notice that she has on a red shirt.  Associate her with R's.  Red and Rosalyn.  You get the idea.

Look through their eyes and enter their world.
Children haven't changed, but childhood has changed.  We were doing a video shoot last weekend.  There was a 4th grader in the shoot.  I noticed between filming scenes, he was over using his cell phone to text people.  When I was a kid, there were no cell phones.  Childhood has changed. 

If you have kids, it's easier to stay in their world because it's naturally part of your world.  But if you don't, you have to be intentional about looking through their eyes and entering their world.  What are some ways you can do this?

• Ask them what they like.
• Flip over and watch the Disney channel and Nickelodeon channel occasionally.
• Walk through the toy aisle when you are shopping and notice which toys are popular.

Did you know when Walt Disney was building Disney Land that he made the designers get down on their knees when they were creating main street?  He wanted to make sure they designed it at a kid's eye level.  What was he doing?  He was entering the world of kids.  Which leads to the next point.

Talk about their interests.
If you want to effectively talk with kids, you have to find common ground.  Once you know their world, you can talk with them about their interests.

I remember there was a boy sitting in the back of the classroom.  He didn't want to listen and was sitting back there with his arms crossed and a scowl on this face.  I went back and sat down beside him.  Instead of correcting him, I simply asked if he had a PlayStation, Xbox or Wii.  Bam.  He immediately snapped out of the scowl and began talking with me about video games.  His attitude changed and he was able to engage with the class.  What happened?  Instead of jumping on his case, I entered his world.

Talk with kids about their video games, favorite movies, family, school, toys and pets.  Do this and you will have their attention.

Don't look down at them. 
We forget what it's like to be a kid and have to stare up at the giant adult that is looking down at you.  When you talk to a child, get down on and get on direct eye level with them.  This simple step makes a huge difference.

Don't talk down to them.
We have a tendency to talk down to kids.  This manifests itself in our voice changing to a "baby talk" tone or a "pampering" tone.  I have found that kids often respond better if you simply talk to them like you would a normal person.  Because guess what?  They are normal people.  They deserve our honor and respect like everyone else.  Instead of talking down to them, talk to them just like you would anyone else. 

One weekend, I was brought a 4-year-old who "didn't want to stay in class."  I sat down with him and asked him point blank, "Are you a big kid?" 

He quickly answered "yes."  I then said, "You're not a baby.  You're a big kid.  Why don't you act your age and go into your class with the other big kids."

It clicked and he went into the room.  If I had babied him, I think the opposite would have happened. 

Of course, I am not talking about using big words or being harsh or unkind.  Our words should always be spoken with love and care. 

Here's the bottom line...
Kids don't care what you have to say until they know you care about them.  And the way you show you care about them?  All of the above.  When you do these things, they will open their heart to receive what you have to say.

The floor is yours.  What are some other tips for effectively talking with kids?  Share with us in the comment section below.

I love quotes.  They inspire, challenge, convict and motive me.  Here's 25 of my favorites that have helped me in children's ministry.

When you reach a child you change a life.  When you reach parents, you change an entire family.

Are you in the ministry for the income or outcome?

People don't follow a title...they follow someone they love and respect.

Love first...lead second.

Everyone can be great...because everyone can serve.

The road to success is always under construction.

The most important thing in life isn't things.

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.

Everyone says they are teachable until there is a lesson to be learned.

Be yourself.  An original is worth more than a copy.

If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready when opportunity comes along.

The best part of the journey is not what you get but who you become.

Excellence is never an accident.

Don't place volunteers where you need them.  Place them where they need to be.

Don't leave your volunteers in the dark during the week and expect them to shine during the weekend.

Take another step...even when your legs are shaking.

You become educated by reading books. You become wise by real life experiences.

Everything you own will one day be landfill.  Live for the eternal.

Stop thinking about how stressed you are and realize how blessed you are.

Initiative is taken not given.

Black belts are white belts who didn't quit.

Work for a cause...not for applause.

The past is a point of reference not a place of residence.

Don't be a mini someone else.  Be a big you.

Growth is waiting at the end of your comfort zone.

What are some of your favorite quotes?  Share them with us in the comment section below.

Successful team builders show their volunteers RESPECT.

Studies show that respect ranks above even recognition and appreciation.  When volunteers know you respect them, they will go the distance with you.

Respect is rooted in how you make people feel.  You are either making your volunteers feel respected or disrespected.

Here are some practical ways to give your volunteers respect.

Listen to them.
Show your voulnteers that you respect their opinions and ideas by actively listening when they are talking to you.  Ask questions and then really listen instead of just thinking about what you will say next.

Ask for their ideas and input.
Be proactive in asking your volunteers for input and ideas to improve the ministry.  In this post, I share some great ways to do this.  When volunteers know they can contribute, it communicates respect.

Always show them kindness.
It's not just WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.  I remember an incident years ago, when I was stressed out and spoke unkindly to a group of our volunteers.  As soon as I said it, I saw their countenance drop and knew I had made a mistake.  I apologized and thankfully they forgave me and continued serving.  It was a great learning experience for me.

Return their phone calls and emails.
Have you ever left someone a message or sent them an email and never heard anything back?  It made you feel disrespected, didn't it.  Return phone calls and respond to emails within 24 hours.  

Give feedback privately.
Correcting a volunteer in front of other people makes him or her feel disrespected.  Ask their permission to give them feedback and then do it 1-on-1.  Give them steps they can take to improve or adjust what they are doing.

Doug Conant became the CEO of Campbell's soup in 2001.  The company was in decline and had lost half it's market value.  Doug turned the company around.  A few years later, the team members were setting all-time performance records.

The secret?  He showed them respect.  This included Doug writing over 30,000 personal thank you notes to team members.  When people feel respected, they flourish.

What are some ways you show your volunteers respect?  Share with us in the comment section below.

Why do we talk down to kids?  I think we forget they are people. 

I have found that the best way to communicate with a child is to talk with him or her just like I would an adult.  Kids respond better to this than using "baby talk." 

This even works with preschoolers.  This past weekend, I was brought a 4 year old who "didn't want to stay in class."  I sat down with him and asked him point blank, "Are you a big kid?"  

He quickly answered "yes."  I then said, "You're not a baby.  You're a big kid.  Why don't you act your age and go into your class with the other big kids."

It clicked and he went into the room.  If I had babied him, I think the opposite would have happened.  

Of course, I am not talking about using big words or ever being harsh or unkind.  Our words should always be spoken with love and care.

The bottom line is this:  Treat kids with honor and respect.  Reflect this in your tone of voice and words and they will respond.