Showing posts with label healthy marriages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthy marriages. Show all posts

Marriage and Divorce...the latest findings

8:09 AM  Dale Hudson  


The foundation of the home is marriage.  A strong family is grounded in a strong marriage.  The greatest parenting tool is a great marriage.
  
Let's take a look at the latest findings about marriage and divorce.

While divorce is becoming less common for younger adults, "gray divorce" is on the rise.  Among adults ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has doubled since the 1990's.  
  • In 2015, for every 1,000 married persons ages 50 and older, 10 got divorced.  This is up from 5 in 1990.  
  • Among those 65 and older, the divorce rate has tripled since 1990, reaching six people per 1,000 married persons in 2015.
This rise in divorce among older adults is linked in part to the aging of the Baby Boomer generation.  They are ages 51 to 69 and make up the bulk of this age group. 

The divorce rate for those younger than 50 is twice as high as it is for adults 50 and older.  
  • 21 adults ages 40 to 49 get divorced per 1,000 married persons.  This is up from 18 in 1990.
  • The divorce rate for adults ages 25 to 39 has fallen from 30 persons per 1,000 married persons in 1990 to 24 in 2015.  This decline is attributed in part to younger generations putting off marriage until they are older and couples living together unmarried.
  • The media age for marriage in 2016 was 29.5 and for women it was 27.4.  This is up from 26.1 and 23.9 in 1990.  
Adults who are in their second marriage are more likely to divorce.  During their young adulthood, the Baby Boomers had unprecedented levels of divorce.  Now most adults in this age group who have been married less than 20 years are in their second or higher marriage.  This is contributing to their rising divorce rate now since remarriages tend to be less stable than first marriages. 
  • The divorce rate for adults ages 50 and older in remarriages is double the rate of those who have only been married once (16 vs. 8 per 1,000 married persons).
  • Among all adults 50 and older who divorced in 2015, 48% had been in their second or higher marriage. 
I've often said, "we don't need more children's ministry in the church, we need more parent ministry."  I believe this is truer than ever.  If we are going to see children be spiritually healthy, then we must first help their parents have spiritually healthy marriages.  When parents have a healthy marriage, it creates an atmosphere where children's faith can flourish.

For far too long, children's ministries have relied upon "adult ministry" to equip parents to have healthy marriages.  In many cases, it simply doesn't happen.  I believe it's time for children's ministries to take the lead on helping parents have strong marriages.  It's time children's ministry directors start teaching parenting classes.  It's time children's ministries intertwine teaching about marriage into their baby dedication classes.  It's time "family ministries" focus on the heart of every family...marriage.

We must help parents see that their first commitment is to each other...even before their commitment to their kids.  The rise in divorce among couples age 50 and over shows that many married couples were only staying together because of their kids.  Once their kids were grown and out of the house, they had nothing left to sustain their marriage.  I heard the story of a couple who had a grandfather clock in their house.  Once their kids were grown and out of the house, they had to get rid of it.  Why?  The constant ticking about drove them nuts.  They had never noticed it when their house was filled with the noise of their children.  But now with the kids gone, the ticking dominated the silence.  We must help parents develop a deep love and commitment to each other that will continue to thrive even when they are sitting in the silence of an empty house one day.  
Read More

Divorce and the Impact It Has on Kids

9:05 AM  Dale Hudson  

I recently spoke to a gathering of married adults.  They all had one thing in common.  Their marriages were struggling.  I shared with them the passage in Mark 10 where Jesus addressed marriage.

 "Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan.  Again crowds of people came to Him and as was His custom, He taught them.  Some of the Pharisees tested Him by asking, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?'  

 'What did Moses command you? 'He replied.  They said, 'Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.'

 'It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,' Jesus replied.  'But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female.'  

 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, (if you want to know Jesus' definition of marriage - there it is) and the two will become one flesh.  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.'"

Jesus said when a couple is married, they are joined together.  They "tie the knot" as the expression says.  "Tie the knot" is an old marriage custom of tying a couple's hands together as part of the ceremony. 

Jesus goes on to say, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."  God wants the marriage union to be permanent and last a lifetime.

But we know there is an enemy who comes to steal and kill and destroy (John 10).  His goal is to snap apart the union...to break the tie between a husband and wife.

Some of the ways the enemy tries to snap apart a marriage are...
  • lack of communication
  • infidelity
  • finances
  • abuse
  • trust issues/jealousy
  • life changes
  • spiritual differences
  • parenting issues
  • addiction
  • baggage
Every marriage feels the pull of the enemy trying to snap it apart.  But the key to a marriage that withstands the pressure is found in Ecclesiastes.

"And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.  A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

When you bring God into your marriage, He is the strong cord that will keep your marriage from snapping.  As you put Him first and make your decisions based on His Word, your marriage will be able to withstand the pressure and last a lifetime.

This is critical because when a marriage snaps apart it not only affects the parents...it affects the kids as well.  Look at these recent findings...
  • Children from divorced families die almost five years earlier than those from intact families.
  • Facing parental divorce during childhood is the single strongest social predictor of early death, many years into the future.
  • Having one’s parents divorce during childhood is a much stronger predictor of mortality risk than is parental death.
  • The experience of parental divorce is strongly linked to earlier mortality from all causes, including accidents, cancers and cardiovascular disease.
  • For boys whose parents divorce, the risk of dying from accidents and violence is particularly robust, as they grow up to be more reckless. 
  • Children’s standards of living decreases, on average, when their parents divorce, but the psychological effects go beyond the economic changes.
  • Girls and boys from divorced homes tend to end their education earlier than those from intact families, with the expected problems that then ensue.
  • Boys and girls from divorced homes are more likely to smoke and drink when they get older, as compared to their peers from intact families.  Girls are than 100% more likely to become heavy smokers.
  • Those who have lived through their parents’ divorce when they were children are more likely to have their own marriages end in divorce, thus perpetuating the vicious cycle.
  • A positive family environment—having positive feelings about one’s family—does not ameliorate the detrimental effects of divorce.  In fact, boys with positive family feelings live shorter lives, as it was especially traumatic to have a seemingly positive, functional home torn apart.
Pretty shocking, isn't it?  As I previously wrote in the post - parent ministry is actually more critical than children's ministry.  As children's ministry leaders we must focus on helping parents as much as we do helping kids.  You see...spiritually healthy marriages will produce spiritually healthy kids.  [tweet this]

How can children's ministry leaders help marriages?
  • always be thinking about parents when you create and plan
  • get involved not only the children's' lives, but the parents' lives as well 
  • build relationships with parents
  • partner with adult ministries to help reach and disciple parents
  • speak into parents' lives at key times in their family journey (more about how to do this here)
Remember...when you reach a child, you change a life...when you reach parents, you change an entire family. [tweet this]
Read More