RELEVANT CHILDREN'S MINISTRY

Have you ever worked for a control freak?  I have.

Have you ever been a control freak?  I have.

And it's taught me that there's a big difference between being a leader and being a controller.

Here's the bottom line...a leader tells people what needs to be done and lets them do it.  A control freak tells people what needs to be done.  But they don't stop there.  They then go on and tell people exactly how they are to do it.  

Leaders produce leaders.  Control freaks produce followers.

And the problem with being a control freak is you become the lid and personally limit the growth of the ministry.  

Let's talk about how you can lead without being a control freak.

1. Drop your ego.  You are good at what you do, but so are others.  Shine the spotlight on them and let them use their gifts.  There is more than one way to get things done and it doesn't always have to be your way.

I remember I was speaking at a church a few years ago.  While I was there, I watched the interactions between the children's ministry director and her staff team.  It was obvious, that it was all about her.  She barked out orders left and right.  She controlled every single aspect of the event.  And her staff was miserable.  I could see it in their face and actions.  No one likes to work with a control freak.

Control freaks are stars.  Leaders create stars.
 
2. Delegate.  You simply can't do everything and you shouldn't.  Begin to rely on other people.  Give them the big picture and let them run with it.  You don't have to know every detail.  You don't have to approve every single step.  You don't have to make every single decision.

Hand over a task and let the person run with it.  Just go along for the ride and enjoy it.

3. Don't think you have to hit 100% every single time.  I know...they can't do it as well as you.  But that's okay.  Sometimes 85% is good enough.  Excellence doesn't necessarily mean perfection.  Often you will hear a control freak say "I guess I'm just a perfectionist."

4. Decide your sense of worth and accomplishment will come from empowering others.  Often we like to control things because it gives us a sense of worth and accomplishment.  We become addicted to that "I'm in control" feeling and so we crave the power that comes from control.  We long for the satisfaction that comes from knowing, "I did this all by myself."

But we must remember this: Control freaks are powerful....but leaders are empowering.  And empowering leaders accomplish much more by helping others lead and succeed.  Empowering leaders get their joy and satisfaction from watching others rise. 

The only thing we need to control is our control freak tendencies.  Working with others is so much more productive than working to control others.

5. De-stress.  Being a control freak causes a lot of stress.  First for you.  When you think the world revolves around you and everything has to go your way, things get very complicated and stressful.  Why?  Because it's simply not realistic.  We are not the creator and sustainer of the universe.  That job has already been taken.  When we realize this and stop trying to control everyone and everything around us, we can live peacefully.

Secondly, it causes stress for those around you.  No one likes to be controlled.  No one wants to have to run every single decision by someone else.  No one likes their creativity stifled and their input ignored.  The truth is, if you are a control freak, you won't keep gifted people around for very long.  They will leave.

I know a Pastor who is a control freak.  He is a good man.  A solid Bible teacher.  But he can't keep a children's pastor.  It seems they come and go every year.  Why?  Because he tries to control them.  Even down to telling them what color of paper to run the take home papers on.  After a short while, they get tired of it and move on.  It's not surprising his church is currently on the search for another children's pastor...again.

Are you a control freak?  Think through these questions and make the decision to start leading rather than controlling.

How often does my ego push it's way to the front when I am leading?  

Do I make decisions based on what is best for me or what is best for the team?

Do I feel threatened when someone suggests another approach?

Are there duties and responsibilities I am holding onto that I shouldn't be doing, simply because I don't want to give them up? 

Am I okay with someone else doing it at 85%?

Where am I getting my self worth and sense of accomplishment from?  What I accomplish or what I help others accomplish?  

How much stress is in my life right now due to trying to control everything?  How can I let it go along with the stress it brings?

Would the people I work with say I am a control freak?  If so, how can I change that?

There are three voices you should be listening to as a leader.

The first is the voice of the Holy Spirit.  The Bible tells us this in John 16:13...

"When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all truth..."

The Holy Spirit can guide you as a leader.  He can give you wisdom as a leader.  He can comfort you when you are discouraged.  He convicts you when you do wrong.  He can empower you.  He can help you understand Scripture.  He can help you pray.  He can strengthen you.  

What a gift of grace the Holy Spirit is.  As a leader, you don't have to make decisions alone.  You don't have to lead in your own strength.  You don't have to carry the weight of leadership alone.  You don't have to give advice alone.  You don't have to motivate alone.  

Are you listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit?  His voice is gentle and quiet.   You can hear Him when you pull away from the noise of life and listen in the stillness and solitude of prayer. 

The second voice you should be listening to is the voice of people who encourage you.  Who are the people in your corner?  Who are the people who speak life into you?  Who are the people who lift your spirits with their words?  

Years ago, as a young leader who was in way over his head, I'll never forget the four words an encourager spoke into my life.  He said, "I believe in you!"  Wow!  What an impact it had in my life!  When I got discouraged, I listened to those words.  When I was overwhelmed, I listened to those words,  When I was lacking confidence, I listened to those words  When others doubted me, I listened to those words.

Make sure as a leader that you are listening to the voice of encouragement.  Trust me...you'll need it. 

The third voice you should be listening to as a leader is the voice of critics.  This is the hardest voice to listen to, isn't it?  With leadership comes criticism.  The only way to not be criticized is to do nothing.  But that's not you. You are a leader.  

Here's a mindset to adopt about criticism.  See criticism as a gift.  That's right, a gift.  A gift that can help you identify blind spots.  A gift that you can learn from.  A gift that can keep you growing.  A gift that can help you be a better leader.   No matter how unfounded or off-base a criticism is, you can learn something from it. 

The natural action is to turn a deaf ear to criticism.  But when you do this, you are missing out on a great growth opportunity.  Instead of taking the bricks criticism hands you and building a wall with them, take them and build your leadership.  

As a leader, are you listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, the voice of encouragement and the voice of criticism?

Have you ever had someone get angry about something in your ministry?  Unless you just started leading 5 minutes ago, the answer is "yes."

No matter what you do or how well you lead, there will be times when someone gets upset.  There will be times when their anger has a legitimate basis and other times when it does not.  Whichever the case, the important thing is knowing how to help them calm down so you can resolve the matter.

Most people are not naturally good at this.  I know I'm not.  My natural reaction is for my emotions to escalate and to become defensive.  But the good news...helping someone calm down is a skill that can be learned.  Once you've mastered this skill, it will enable you to lead through escalated emotional situations with a plan rather than emotions.

Here's a simple plan that can help you calm down someone who is angry.  Memorize these steps and you''ll become a master at helping an angry person calm down.

Clarify their anger. 
The first step is to find out what the person is angry about.  Do this by simply asking them what they are the most upset about.

Acknowledge their anger.
Rehearse back to them what they said they are angry about.

Show empathy. 
First and foremost, the person wants to be heard.  Use words like "I understand why you're angry" or "I can tell you're upset."

Give the person respect. 
The person also wants to know that you respect their feelings.  Use words like " I appreciate you sharing with me why you're upset."

Offer support.
Show them you're there to help them with their concern.  This can be done with key phrases like, "I'm gong to help you with this" or "I want to help you resolve this quickly."

Bridge the gap and partner with them.
This is a critical step.  You want to move from "me" vs. "you" to "we."  Once you bridge the gap, you'll see their anger begin to dissipate.  Use key words like "Let's work on this together" or "We can figure this out together" or "Let's partner to resolve this."

These simple steps can be used to help someone calm down in any situation.   Try it the next time you're got an angry parent, volunteer or church member in your face.